my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i permit you to call me
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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