U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i think my cat just said my name.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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