How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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