Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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