the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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