He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I wear drunk well.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
