thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Im part way to drunk.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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