Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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