if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
