Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
