when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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