And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
