so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
