She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
