I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
