so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
