There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
