Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
