my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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