he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
