complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
