she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
