I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it's like iHOP with fire
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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