You can't special order awesome
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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