fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize