I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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