my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
