My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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