my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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