My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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