Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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