I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
