im drinking this country out of the recession.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
