just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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