capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
