There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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