I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
this just has baby written all over it
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
