my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
