Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We are all done wearing pants today
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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