when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
