He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
