i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
