I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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