I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize