My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
