Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
