Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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