Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
