Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
