just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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