i don't like sucking hair
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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