I cannot find my penis.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
