She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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