Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
