but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Bring me that man meat
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
