Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
